Ceilidh

So I got to dance with Bulstrode tonight.

We were both at this ceilidh at our church, and it was just one dance and it means aabsolutely nothing but for me it's just nice to have happened for now. Hell I danced with her at last years as well.

But I'm not gonna kid myself that she likes me, even if I do keep on picking random hints I'll randomly hope is a she likes me, but I'm not hopeful.  Bulstrode if you ever read this, and figure out it's you by the date I promise you I have a relatively good reason for the name I give you here.

But would any of you find this attractive, really? (I'm the unattractive one, and just so you know poppy is the first girl going in from your right.)

The best couple?

I believe I spoke a while back that I felt that my friends Clark and Bulstrode were a good couple, and a bit of other stuff about how inspirational Clark was.  Turns out they've now been split up for at least a month but they kept quiet about it not wanting to cause a scene, a decision I commend, had I seen an announcement on facebook that each of them was single I would have immediately gone into a stream of 'what the hell, what, why, how, when, who?' (They split up, people's feelings had changed, no idea, A month ago, Bulstrode). My actual reaction was to say 'you did what?', then  spend a couple of minutes working things out in my head, and ask a little bit of why? They're still friends and things are going to be alright it seems but it saddens me that this most perfect couple in my mind could split up.

I'm now going to share something with you that I have never told a living soul (at least with names mentioned, and the person I told doesn't know her), or for that matter a dead one. I like Bulstrode. Not a huge amount at the moment but I've had somewhat subdued feelings for her for about 2 years now, even if my primary focus has been on someone else, or no one in paticular. Poppy is still the primary object of my affections but that won't last, at least until I see her again, and Bulstrode is the most realistic possibility as I don't know any of the girls who sit in the corner I sit in at school (I think they're all year 12s) excapt Marie, who isn't and is in a long distance relationship which has lasted.

My sole concern aside from the obvious fact that I don't stand a chance in hell is the fact that Clark is my friend and I'm concerned about how he'd feel about all this.

First Day

Only had the first two lessons, seem to be free till maths is sorted out. Marie, Lion, Bailey and Marsh are still here as well as no-eyes, and I saw dawson on the way home as well.

Update

I'm ok for school, heres hoping for a good year

Results

She said no.




I could just end things there but the fact is if I'd asked a question I would have been stupid for bothering, I've known that forever. I've done it multiple times already, those do make me an idiot. Poppy, who I am currently still in love with, pointed out something just in relation to our friendship, but it's useful to think about in a broader sense of the world. I typically when I mett a girl I like speak to her on Facebook for a week or two then either chicken out or lose interest, I've seen it multiple times, Opal, Hazel, possibly Marie, Nicole and yes, Poppy, but I don't care anymore.


I'd like to say that but it hurts, liking someone knowing you don't stand a chance in hell with them. I would probably be happier just never to like another girl aain, but I know that won't happen. In a few cases with girls I've liked (well 2) coming out has helped me realise they weren't as nice as I thought they were, and I'm greatful for those, appearance is important, but if there not nice people it's worthless, but a lot of them are nice enough people and thats where the problems come in for me. Ok Nicole has a boyfriend, possibly, I'm slightly unconvinced he exists but he has a facebook page. Then again I knew her for 3 hours so not musch of a loss, conversely she is one of the few people I've been comfortable with almost instantly, seriously I spent more time dancing on the stage with her than with Zeus and Pauline, who I'd known for months. There was that Jack guy too, he was cool. Hazel I never actually really started speaking to after I left the place we met, and I kind of doubt she remembers me, though I've just sent her a skype message ensuring she is the girl I know. Marie I spent weeks chatting to when I realised I might like her, but the moment I learnt about MacFarlane I gave up any real hope, I offered to spend some time with her in town and she agreed but she got ill. I talk to her from time to time but I don't like her that way anymore. I do need to be better friends with her though. And so I come to my one aspiration with Poppy, the same.

Ok thats a lie,I mean achievable aspiration.

Back

Well I'm back from Knock, had a great time again and seriously looking forward to next year. Fortunately neither Jim nor Amelia (I think those are the names I gave them) came so no awkwardness between them, though Anne and Kris were both there, but I don't think they spoke much. Kris is now however going out with Rosie, the daughter of one of the leaders (the one I know best) I hope it lasts longer than Kris and Anne.
 And of course, as you would all be wondering if anyone read this, Poppy was there as well and I'm not sure if anything was awkward between us or I was overblowing it in my head, she did say hi first night but I spent a bit of time avoiding her. I did have a tonne of oppurtunities I reckon, but I kept on being worried. I actually kept on resolving to talk to her but lost my nerve, and I hate myself for it. On wednesday I overheard something which I no doubt misheard which led me to almost talk to her, but I probably misheard. One thing which held me back was how close she seemed to Adam, a guy from her own town who I noticed she seemed close to when I first met him at the reunion last year, however now I think he just gets along well with the girls, I'm just paranoid probably. I eventually screwed up the nerve to write a note and leave it with her stuff, not asking her out as I'm certain I'll be rejected, just saying at the time of writing I have feelings for you. I'm pending any confirmation it was her who took the note, but I need to stop with messages as it just increases the fear. The last time I asked Poppy out it was by message and that was ok because I wasn't gonna see her anyway for a while, but Opal I was literally gonna see her the next day (frankly I'm glad she rejected me though). I'll tell you when she confirms or denies finding it, though I hope it was her.

Knock

I'm going back tomorrow after a year, hoping to see a good few people I remember from last year, see you on the flip side

Sleeping difficulties

So every now and then I will find myself unable to sleep when I want to. Some might think this to be good as it gives me some time with my thoughts, but my turn quickly to the stupid things, and quickly come to wanting to hit my self over the head with a heavy implement just knock myself unconscious. The worst case was probably jet lag at the age of 10 having come home from the states, I was up way longer than normal through no fault of my own, it was bad.

Objectification and the mystery of Steve

So something I see mentioned or discussed from time to time is the 'objectifying of women' which is generally based on some philosophy that all men are one track minded, afraid of commitment, and basically just want a women for sex and not a lot else, and see women as simply somethign to satisfy sexual needs. I'm not one of those people, and I think the sterotyping of men as such is wrong. Sure I don't believe in objectifying women either, but appreciation of a certain figure and what their face looks like is not simple objectification, this is something I do, but I won't just look at whats on the outside, I have to know what the person is on the inside, their interests and personality and stuff, I think thats why 80% of the time first impression crushes are a bad idea, and unfortunately 80% of my crushes are just that, case in point for this are Lucille and Topaz, neither of whom were I feel are ultimately particularly nice people. The other first impression crushes have been better actually but for one reason or another (know for a week, know for a day, know know for 4 hours) acting on them has typically not been a good idea, both for the amount of time i've known them, and my nervousness in general. Hazel probably doesn't remember me, Poppy was asked to the dance by me, thats it until I told her the truth months later. Then I relapsed for a week. That wasn't good, so if shes there this year I'm not gonna talk to her too much, might spend more time with Hannah and Lydia, or Paul and Ed. So I come to the remainder of my crushes. People I've known for a while. I myself don't think it's a good idea to try going out with my closer friends for reasons that I don't think need explaining, even though I actually know who they are, cause frankly I love them and don't want to ruin any friendship, and of the remainder that leaves Marie has Rogen in the states, Bulstrode has Clark (and I talked about why Clark deserves her) and Hawk (I seriously need new name ideas) is never I think gonna see me as more than a guy she happens to go to the same group as, plus Jamie suggested that was an idea once and listening to Jamie is madness. I was gonna say something in here attempting to justify the various bikini etc photos I have on my portable hard drive of various Japanese idols, but I sort of rambled, but heres some justification anyway. I did say I appreciate a body and a face, and I stick by that, and these idols look amazing. But I know every single one of their names (except the AKB48 members, and I'm working on that) and with their names I know at least one tv series they appeared in (I  love the tokusatsu genre) and appreciate their abilities as actresses as well as models, and if their making a career out of it it's their choice, It's up to us to decide if we wanna look. (I'm also strictly no nudity, one magazine turned ot to have some but I deleted those pictures.) And frankly most of them are not gonna look that good for much longer anyway, it's not like all of them can have a career as long as Aki Hoshino. I'm not actually serious, they will still look damn good, the problem is that companies with the sole exception of whoever employ Aki Hoshino think to be a beautiful attractive model appreciated by the people you market your books toward you have to be between the ages of 15 and 29, which is stupid really.

Anyway the mystery of steve part, which is unconnected to the rest of it. So I know who every single person in my friend list is alright, or at least where I know tham from, except 2 or 3. One I think is just a kid from my old school who I never noticed. Another I think was at Zeus' party, but I dunno. The third is more of a mystery. At first I thought he was someone from Roxannes birthday, but now I just have no freaking clue, I think he might actually have been at school all last year and I never noticed him then. He's Steve.

Thoughts and jizz.

Well I'm pretty bored tonight, well in the last 5 minutes anyway since I stopped watching the first series of how i met your mother, and thinking of what I could do. My obvious choice at this time would be to go into to town, have a few drinks and maybe actually have some fun, but if I did that I know I wouldn't get to say goodbye to grandma since I won't be up when she leaves tomorrow. Theres also the fact that Cubes only opens at 11 I think, and I can barely afford to go there, and typically at the very least of my friends Pauline is considered essential to a good night, and frankly I'd rather be with them doing stuff anyway. But yeah stuff happens.

I spend my days feeling sad a lot of the time, and I'm sure anyone who ever reads this will probably wonder if I'm gonna wind up killing myself. My answer to this is not intentionally, and while very stupidly at say 15 the thought has crossed my mind I've abandoned all that, i've had far worse days, far worse half years in fact, today I have friends and I can actually be happy a lot of the time, it's only on my own I feel the sadness ever, and thats not constant, and is mostly based on the fact that I don't feel I'll ever get a date, which I admit worries me, but I can live with it, thanks to the glory of low self-esteem oddly enough, and lpw expectations, It actually helps me get through the day. Theres also with regard to the suicide the fact that people who commit suicide never have to worry abut everyone they leave behind and how they will be effected, and I admit that has also helped stop me.

Heres an example of the whole low expectations thing. A few months back I very briefly had a thing for Marie, however I never expected any attempt to try to ask her out to work, and after I learnt about her pretty much boyfriend online from across the pond who shall remain nameless, I gave up anyway. Of course there have been plenty of similar situations for me, with me having similar expectations (since about 15), but I use her because from what I know of her she would be a better match than for me than most girls I've liked with the exception of a girl I think I called Nicole, but hey.

I think I will go to cubes, tomorrow though.

The changing faces of relationships

Relationships and how they can suddenly change is something that greatly puzzles me, and so I'm going to try to talk about, and look at my own failings and whether anything was worth it or not. I'm going to start about a year ago, so no Lucilla/anyone else before then.

Going back to last August, me and a few others from the youth group I'm a part of, specifically Jamie, Ruby, Becca, Clarice Saz, Bulstrode and Pansy, along with Pansy's parents and brother (the parents having been going on these trips since they were our age) went on a trip with other groups being led by Pansy's parents and their friends from these trips when they were young, spending a week in the lake district. I first noticed Poppy because she wore a trilby, and trilby's are awesome, (unfortuately no-one in this circle of friends will believe the reason I bought my own was nothing to do with her, but actally cause of certain other parties). I also thought she had a resemblace to the american lass I'd had a crush on for part of year 11 (story for another day) but having gotten facebook since then i know it's not actually the case. I had the benefit of being placed in the same group with her on the sundy for the orienteering group, and as the hour wore on I got talking to her at the back of the group with Pansy's little brother, and decided I quite liked her, even though she was only 15 and I was 17. (I had for a while the previous year been in a similar situation with liking Bulstrode, but I hadn't known how old she was, and the moment her not-then-boyfriend showed up at the youth group I stopped bothering, even if I still kind of like her), I spent a fair amount of time over the week talking to her, and apparently by Tuesday Jamie and Thomasina (14 to his 17) were effectively going out. Cool, I'm not gonna judge, I admire his confidence, (but not his commitment, at least with her) wish I wasn't so nervous around girls I like.

On wednesday evening during the dodgeball games Jamie figured out I fancied Poppy and so in 10 minutes everyone knew, though I don't know how he figured that out from me challenging her to pool to see who was worse (I lost, badly). He kept on encouraging me to ask her to the barn dance on friday, the last night, and I finally did about midday on friday, she said no cause she was already going with a friend, I was fine, and then I spent the next few weeks wishing I could be with her before I realised the girl with red (dyed) hair in my chemistry and at the time physics classes was also sat in the row in front of me in form. (Fun Fact: Pansy and Poppy have the same name, so when Pansy's dad was told about me liking Poppy he was momentarily shocked at me at the least.)

She (I'm struggling to think of an alias for her) was the object of my affection for the next 6 months or so, though there were some brief lapses onto others, it was her for the most part, but as she had a boyfriend I stayed clear until one day suddenly she was single, I talked to her a bit, and about a week before valentines day I decided screw it and told her everything, having a brief BSOD moment before I went to read her response, she let me down fairly nicely, and a couple of weeks later I realised I didn't even care anymore, though at the time telling her was probably the hardest thing I'd done in a long time. I think her and Lewis got back together at some point, but later she was single again and after something I saw last saturday morning (Zeus' party) I really have no fucking clue. Thats it for me till the end, now to look at my friends a bit.

Jamie and Thomasina were constantly talking about how much they love each other for a few weeks till the group started up again, and that's probably when things changed, starting with May joining the group. The effect wasn't immediate but at some point they had broken up, which I later learnt from Thomasina was becuase he kissed some other girl, who I assume was May, I don't hold anything against May for it, but I do have issue with Jamie for it, he could, I think, have had the decency to break up with Thomasina first, still I can't help but assume that Jamie and Thomasina would never have lasted anyway, and Jamie and May have lasted fine for 9 months now. I would just have liked Jamie to have had that bit of decency to break up with  her first, but if it wasn't May I have even more of an issue.

Pauline and her ex were going out for a few months already before I started hanging out with the group, I don't really know what happened but there were hints it wasn't going too well for a while before it happened. In comparison I know it was Zeus who broke up with her previous boyfriend, Jim, who is part of our group too, they're still friends, I think that this breakup has something to do with Frank but I don't really know. These breakups are fine with me, In one case it wasn't working out and the other peoples feelings change, I know this can happen, and at least Zeus, unlike Jamie, ended it first.

Bulstrode and her boyfriend Clark don't need any looking into really, from the moment Clark showed up it was clear they were together, (even if they weren't) and Clark is genuinely an awesome guy and I consider myself privelidged to know him, there may be a small amount of jeaslousy because he has Bulstrode and I never even tried, but he took a chance I'm always insecure about and unwilling to take, and he got her, he earned her by trying, and after something he related to our group just last week I can say he deserves her more than I ever could, and I seriously hope this is it for both of them. This tells me these can work out more than anything else aside from the youth leaders getting married after about a years engagement, and to Phillip and Allison I wish nothing but the best. The only reason I look into Clark and Bulstrode any further is the fact that last week my mother said she had been under the impression that they had been split up for the last two weeks based on something Bulstrode's mother had said, this naturally came as a surprise to me since just over a week before their prom photos had gone up and they were definitely together in those, which makes me seriously hope she misheard, cause otherwise Bulstrode is capable of something I don't think any of us would think her able to do, but then again Clark is a completely different guy to the guy he described who smoked at age 10, he's turned his life around and is one of the most inspirational people I have ever met.

So lastly before going back to me I look to Roxanne, who broke up with her boyfriend a week ago. It was apparently a mutual thing, so I guess in the end it worked out for the best, but I don't think some people were too surprised by this. I think the problems started, sadly enough, on her birthday. I remember it was my second time in town, and this time their was a bunch of people I didn't know alongside Roxanne, Amelia, Zeus and Pauline. The tensions started running high in the third place we went to, I remeber some girl I'd never met had asked me to dance with her and I did for a bit, when I came back Roxanne said she wanted to leave (that place) and after convincing Monty to, everything kicked off outside Monty deciding he was leaving altogether like Roxanne had said, Roxanne just wanting to stay there, Monty left, Roxanne was devastated, I went to follow Monty to try to make him see some sense, and went the wrong way. Pauline and Roxanne went home in a taxi, and I made it clear to Pauline if everything worked out I wanted to know, before managing to stay around a while longer with Monty's elder sister, and as far as I heard everyting worked out, until more recently Ross, in an attempt to get me over a bit of an issue I was having (more on that later) told me they hadn't been working out for a while now, and it had started on her birthday (furthering the guilt complex I was having by feeling quasi-responsible) and in the end they obviously ended it. They had been going out a long time, which unfortunately shows me that not all of these things work out.

The last thing is the few lapses I've had inbetween these times. Sandra in my Physics class I think for a time more appealing to me than girl #2, but neither of them would ever be right for me. one of my friends, Samantha whose just left is also one but I knew there was no point. As I said I've still got some affection for Bulstrode, but I can't deal with that except ignorance. For a very short time I thought I liked Pauline, and when I went into town one time with her, Amelia and Roxanne, (meeting Shep and Dawson in town later on) I considered maybe talking to her about this, but instead I got highly intoxicated on one pound vodka and lemonades, hit on Roxanne and Amelia instead, and wanted to kill myself for it for the next 24 hours before I talked with Andy, though they were probably more worried by my attempts to apologise for what had essentially been a wierd slip.

Ultimately if there is anyone I can care about aside from Bulstrode at the minute though it's either hazel, a girl I met once on another youth group trip and new for a day, but I don't think I really cared after more than a week, the other, and ultimately the one with the most chance is probably Nicole, though that still has no hope really. I met Nicole at a club that Zeus and Pauline frequent, she and Zeus have been long-term friends, and she just happened to be there when we showed up on my birthday celebratory night in town, only three days late, I alternated my time there between dancing with Nicole, with Zeus and Pauline, or all three of them and at least one other guy who's name escapes me, she has a boyfriend so I don't bother once again, I just accept move on, maybe one day I'll get lucky.

Starting Up

I don't know why I'm doing this, and have no idea how long I'll keep this going but for now I plan to set up about 3 blogs, this one is about my life in general. I'll mostly talk about my life recently and stuff, but I won't refer to my friends by their real names, instead I'll give them some nick name which'll only make sense in my head. Petros literally attacking me as I type this. Wish he'd leave me alone but what can I do huh? So wo am I? I'm KR ShinkenRed, or as I'm known pretty much everywhere else sim**, and Jefusion seem to like the few comments I make on their facebook. Also I feel I'm kind of an unhappy person, not overly sad or anything but just rarely see myself as able to succeed. And well with girls I've practically given up hope, so yeah.

I'm gonna talk about the last week now, It's been pretty busy to be honest.
Last Friday I had my sixth form prom, which I might attend next year as well since I'm still gonna be hear for year 14, but I think it'll be even worse, since the people I really consider friends will all have gone, except No-eyes and Marie, If I go it will be based on if they go. Sure I have a few 'friends' in year 12 going on 13, but I'm not as keen on them as I am on everyone whos leaving. I forgot my ID when I went so no drinks for me at the prom, except two, one I gave Martin the money to pay for me, and the other his mum bought for me (she's my form tutor and promised to buy us drinks). Also excluding my friends who were there there was at least two girls there who I'd fancied in the past, (over them both now, one probably wasn't really that nice a person and the other frankly I've stopped caring) and three girls who I feel are seriously pretty goddamn attractive, though I reckon Kelly at least would be disputed over. One of them actually asked me to come up and dance with her but I wasn't in a dancing mood at the time so I said no, regretted it after, I also think I've done that before with other girls. Best moment was probably at the end when we sang 'Girl your Amazing' to the head of sixth form at the moment. Also got a pretty sweet picture that was part of the ticket deal with Amelia, Roxanne, Pauline and Zeus along the back row, and No-Eyes, Martin and me knelt in front of the girls. Not all my friends I'll want to remember, but all those who were there so it's something.

Afterwards Pauline, Roxanne and Lucilla (One of the girls I used to fancy) went into town, where I think shit may have gone down. No-Eyes went home (I saw his sister in the car park) and me, Martin, Amelia and Zeus all took a taxi back to Zeus' where she was having another (much better) party, with some people I knew (Shep, Lauren, Gay Batman, Pauline's ex) and others i didn't (A couple of girls, Zeus' boyfriend Frank). Another guy, Trilby, who had been at prom but couldn't get in the taxi showed up later, while Shep took Amelia home (almost immediately). A buch of chavs showed up for a while playing crap music (including girl #2 I'd fancied), While I got wasted off of lambrini, and me and Gay Batman sang (or at least attempted to) the theme tune to atop the fourth wall, and discussed Metal Gear. (Watching a Peace Walker walkthrough right now). Superman also turned up, at some point. Zeus made a beer run bringing back two Vodka bottles and some Jagermeister, I had a lemonade and jagermeister, then vodka and lemonade, the chavs left 5 minutes after the alcohol arrived, probably with the Jagermeister, and then I went to have a second Vodka and Lemonade. I woke up briefly some hours later when Zeus' mum came around putting blankets on us all (I was on a sofa). I properly awoke some time later, and found the other sofa had the two girls I didn't know plus Pauline's ex, Trilby was sleeping in a chair, Martin, despite his sleeping over being planned and him bringing a sleeping bag was awkwardly slept on a stool and the arm of a sofa, Zeus and Frank were probably in Zeus' bed, and Shep had managed to be offered the spare bed. I stayed around for a few hours, and have since learnt I have at least a three hour gap in my memory, which includes drinking three more vodka and lemonades, drinking a huge mug of just vodka, and predictig that Zeus' house would explode.

Sunday saw the last session of our youth group till the autumn, we had a bbq and said goodbye to Jamie, I would be leaving too but since I'll still be here I may as well stick around. Three random chavs turned up, I don't think any of us want them to show up again. Somehow a conversation developed over whether or not Jamie would have a threesome with May (his girlfriend) and another girl, the suggestions included Ruby (his sister who seemed oddly ok or atleast jokingly ok with it, though I suppose she was thinking more of May than anything, the two of them have been joke flirting all year), Anna (who was there and I think less than thrilled with the suggestion), and Bulstrode who wasn't in the room, has a boyfriend we all know, (then again so does Ruby) May joked that she was two young maybe, then said not for you though, (Theres a story behind that that I'll get to sometime), then I jokingly agreed, which Jamie then pointed out my 'stalking' Poppy for a week (I'm nervous around girls and have problems talking to them, I did better with her than most, also shes not in the group) To which I think was a bit unfair, I was only joking and I don't think Thomasina is the only girl a bit younger than him he's gone for. At the time this happened so you get perspective, he was turning 18 in a few weeks, I had been 17 a few months, Thomasina was 14 for two months, Poppy was 15 for one month, whos really the worst here? But I digress.

School is the last interesting thing really, only monday and tuesday though. Greatly depleted classes cause of those doing sports being needed for stuff, Chemistry otherwise fairly normal, Physics same as ever except Kelly was getting more of the problems as Sandra hasn't been there recently. Last lesson (physics) we played with a reverse vacuum thing (vocabulary failing me) before being let go half an hour early. No school till september now.

I'm gonna try and finish the Peace Walker walkthrough now.