Saturday, 23 July 2011

The changing faces of relationships

Relationships and how they can suddenly change is something that greatly puzzles me, and so I'm going to try to talk about, and look at my own failings and whether anything was worth it or not. I'm going to start about a year ago, so no Lucilla/anyone else before then.

Going back to last August, me and a few others from the youth group I'm a part of, specifically Jamie, Ruby, Becca, Clarice Saz, Bulstrode and Pansy, along with Pansy's parents and brother (the parents having been going on these trips since they were our age) went on a trip with other groups being led by Pansy's parents and their friends from these trips when they were young, spending a week in the lake district. I first noticed Poppy because she wore a trilby, and trilby's are awesome, (unfortuately no-one in this circle of friends will believe the reason I bought my own was nothing to do with her, but actally cause of certain other parties). I also thought she had a resemblace to the american lass I'd had a crush on for part of year 11 (story for another day) but having gotten facebook since then i know it's not actually the case. I had the benefit of being placed in the same group with her on the sundy for the orienteering group, and as the hour wore on I got talking to her at the back of the group with Pansy's little brother, and decided I quite liked her, even though she was only 15 and I was 17. (I had for a while the previous year been in a similar situation with liking Bulstrode, but I hadn't known how old she was, and the moment her not-then-boyfriend showed up at the youth group I stopped bothering, even if I still kind of like her), I spent a fair amount of time over the week talking to her, and apparently by Tuesday Jamie and Thomasina (14 to his 17) were effectively going out. Cool, I'm not gonna judge, I admire his confidence, (but not his commitment, at least with her) wish I wasn't so nervous around girls I like.

On wednesday evening during the dodgeball games Jamie figured out I fancied Poppy and so in 10 minutes everyone knew, though I don't know how he figured that out from me challenging her to pool to see who was worse (I lost, badly). He kept on encouraging me to ask her to the barn dance on friday, the last night, and I finally did about midday on friday, she said no cause she was already going with a friend, I was fine, and then I spent the next few weeks wishing I could be with her before I realised the girl with red (dyed) hair in my chemistry and at the time physics classes was also sat in the row in front of me in form. (Fun Fact: Pansy and Poppy have the same name, so when Pansy's dad was told about me liking Poppy he was momentarily shocked at me at the least.)

She (I'm struggling to think of an alias for her) was the object of my affection for the next 6 months or so, though there were some brief lapses onto others, it was her for the most part, but as she had a boyfriend I stayed clear until one day suddenly she was single, I talked to her a bit, and about a week before valentines day I decided screw it and told her everything, having a brief BSOD moment before I went to read her response, she let me down fairly nicely, and a couple of weeks later I realised I didn't even care anymore, though at the time telling her was probably the hardest thing I'd done in a long time. I think her and Lewis got back together at some point, but later she was single again and after something I saw last saturday morning (Zeus' party) I really have no fucking clue. Thats it for me till the end, now to look at my friends a bit.

Jamie and Thomasina were constantly talking about how much they love each other for a few weeks till the group started up again, and that's probably when things changed, starting with May joining the group. The effect wasn't immediate but at some point they had broken up, which I later learnt from Thomasina was becuase he kissed some other girl, who I assume was May, I don't hold anything against May for it, but I do have issue with Jamie for it, he could, I think, have had the decency to break up with Thomasina first, still I can't help but assume that Jamie and Thomasina would never have lasted anyway, and Jamie and May have lasted fine for 9 months now. I would just have liked Jamie to have had that bit of decency to break up with  her first, but if it wasn't May I have even more of an issue.

Pauline and her ex were going out for a few months already before I started hanging out with the group, I don't really know what happened but there were hints it wasn't going too well for a while before it happened. In comparison I know it was Zeus who broke up with her previous boyfriend, Jim, who is part of our group too, they're still friends, I think that this breakup has something to do with Frank but I don't really know. These breakups are fine with me, In one case it wasn't working out and the other peoples feelings change, I know this can happen, and at least Zeus, unlike Jamie, ended it first.

Bulstrode and her boyfriend Clark don't need any looking into really, from the moment Clark showed up it was clear they were together, (even if they weren't) and Clark is genuinely an awesome guy and I consider myself privelidged to know him, there may be a small amount of jeaslousy because he has Bulstrode and I never even tried, but he took a chance I'm always insecure about and unwilling to take, and he got her, he earned her by trying, and after something he related to our group just last week I can say he deserves her more than I ever could, and I seriously hope this is it for both of them. This tells me these can work out more than anything else aside from the youth leaders getting married after about a years engagement, and to Phillip and Allison I wish nothing but the best. The only reason I look into Clark and Bulstrode any further is the fact that last week my mother said she had been under the impression that they had been split up for the last two weeks based on something Bulstrode's mother had said, this naturally came as a surprise to me since just over a week before their prom photos had gone up and they were definitely together in those, which makes me seriously hope she misheard, cause otherwise Bulstrode is capable of something I don't think any of us would think her able to do, but then again Clark is a completely different guy to the guy he described who smoked at age 10, he's turned his life around and is one of the most inspirational people I have ever met.

So lastly before going back to me I look to Roxanne, who broke up with her boyfriend a week ago. It was apparently a mutual thing, so I guess in the end it worked out for the best, but I don't think some people were too surprised by this. I think the problems started, sadly enough, on her birthday. I remember it was my second time in town, and this time their was a bunch of people I didn't know alongside Roxanne, Amelia, Zeus and Pauline. The tensions started running high in the third place we went to, I remeber some girl I'd never met had asked me to dance with her and I did for a bit, when I came back Roxanne said she wanted to leave (that place) and after convincing Monty to, everything kicked off outside Monty deciding he was leaving altogether like Roxanne had said, Roxanne just wanting to stay there, Monty left, Roxanne was devastated, I went to follow Monty to try to make him see some sense, and went the wrong way. Pauline and Roxanne went home in a taxi, and I made it clear to Pauline if everything worked out I wanted to know, before managing to stay around a while longer with Monty's elder sister, and as far as I heard everyting worked out, until more recently Ross, in an attempt to get me over a bit of an issue I was having (more on that later) told me they hadn't been working out for a while now, and it had started on her birthday (furthering the guilt complex I was having by feeling quasi-responsible) and in the end they obviously ended it. They had been going out a long time, which unfortunately shows me that not all of these things work out.

The last thing is the few lapses I've had inbetween these times. Sandra in my Physics class I think for a time more appealing to me than girl #2, but neither of them would ever be right for me. one of my friends, Samantha whose just left is also one but I knew there was no point. As I said I've still got some affection for Bulstrode, but I can't deal with that except ignorance. For a very short time I thought I liked Pauline, and when I went into town one time with her, Amelia and Roxanne, (meeting Shep and Dawson in town later on) I considered maybe talking to her about this, but instead I got highly intoxicated on one pound vodka and lemonades, hit on Roxanne and Amelia instead, and wanted to kill myself for it for the next 24 hours before I talked with Andy, though they were probably more worried by my attempts to apologise for what had essentially been a wierd slip.

Ultimately if there is anyone I can care about aside from Bulstrode at the minute though it's either hazel, a girl I met once on another youth group trip and new for a day, but I don't think I really cared after more than a week, the other, and ultimately the one with the most chance is probably Nicole, though that still has no hope really. I met Nicole at a club that Zeus and Pauline frequent, she and Zeus have been long-term friends, and she just happened to be there when we showed up on my birthday celebratory night in town, only three days late, I alternated my time there between dancing with Nicole, with Zeus and Pauline, or all three of them and at least one other guy who's name escapes me, she has a boyfriend so I don't bother once again, I just accept move on, maybe one day I'll get lucky.

Friday, 22 July 2011

Starting Up

I don't know why I'm doing this, and have no idea how long I'll keep this going but for now I plan to set up about 3 blogs, this one is about my life in general. I'll mostly talk about my life recently and stuff, but I won't refer to my friends by their real names, instead I'll give them some nick name which'll only make sense in my head. Petros literally attacking me as I type this. Wish he'd leave me alone but what can I do huh? So wo am I? I'm KR ShinkenRed, or as I'm known pretty much everywhere else sim**, and Jefusion seem to like the few comments I make on their facebook. Also I feel I'm kind of an unhappy person, not overly sad or anything but just rarely see myself as able to succeed. And well with girls I've practically given up hope, so yeah.

I'm gonna talk about the last week now, It's been pretty busy to be honest.
Last Friday I had my sixth form prom, which I might attend next year as well since I'm still gonna be hear for year 14, but I think it'll be even worse, since the people I really consider friends will all have gone, except No-eyes and Marie, If I go it will be based on if they go. Sure I have a few 'friends' in year 12 going on 13, but I'm not as keen on them as I am on everyone whos leaving. I forgot my ID when I went so no drinks for me at the prom, except two, one I gave Martin the money to pay for me, and the other his mum bought for me (she's my form tutor and promised to buy us drinks). Also excluding my friends who were there there was at least two girls there who I'd fancied in the past, (over them both now, one probably wasn't really that nice a person and the other frankly I've stopped caring) and three girls who I feel are seriously pretty goddamn attractive, though I reckon Kelly at least would be disputed over. One of them actually asked me to come up and dance with her but I wasn't in a dancing mood at the time so I said no, regretted it after, I also think I've done that before with other girls. Best moment was probably at the end when we sang 'Girl your Amazing' to the head of sixth form at the moment. Also got a pretty sweet picture that was part of the ticket deal with Amelia, Roxanne, Pauline and Zeus along the back row, and No-Eyes, Martin and me knelt in front of the girls. Not all my friends I'll want to remember, but all those who were there so it's something.

Afterwards Pauline, Roxanne and Lucilla (One of the girls I used to fancy) went into town, where I think shit may have gone down. No-Eyes went home (I saw his sister in the car park) and me, Martin, Amelia and Zeus all took a taxi back to Zeus' where she was having another (much better) party, with some people I knew (Shep, Lauren, Gay Batman, Pauline's ex) and others i didn't (A couple of girls, Zeus' boyfriend Frank). Another guy, Trilby, who had been at prom but couldn't get in the taxi showed up later, while Shep took Amelia home (almost immediately). A buch of chavs showed up for a while playing crap music (including girl #2 I'd fancied), While I got wasted off of lambrini, and me and Gay Batman sang (or at least attempted to) the theme tune to atop the fourth wall, and discussed Metal Gear. (Watching a Peace Walker walkthrough right now). Superman also turned up, at some point. Zeus made a beer run bringing back two Vodka bottles and some Jagermeister, I had a lemonade and jagermeister, then vodka and lemonade, the chavs left 5 minutes after the alcohol arrived, probably with the Jagermeister, and then I went to have a second Vodka and Lemonade. I woke up briefly some hours later when Zeus' mum came around putting blankets on us all (I was on a sofa). I properly awoke some time later, and found the other sofa had the two girls I didn't know plus Pauline's ex, Trilby was sleeping in a chair, Martin, despite his sleeping over being planned and him bringing a sleeping bag was awkwardly slept on a stool and the arm of a sofa, Zeus and Frank were probably in Zeus' bed, and Shep had managed to be offered the spare bed. I stayed around for a few hours, and have since learnt I have at least a three hour gap in my memory, which includes drinking three more vodka and lemonades, drinking a huge mug of just vodka, and predictig that Zeus' house would explode.

Sunday saw the last session of our youth group till the autumn, we had a bbq and said goodbye to Jamie, I would be leaving too but since I'll still be here I may as well stick around. Three random chavs turned up, I don't think any of us want them to show up again. Somehow a conversation developed over whether or not Jamie would have a threesome with May (his girlfriend) and another girl, the suggestions included Ruby (his sister who seemed oddly ok or atleast jokingly ok with it, though I suppose she was thinking more of May than anything, the two of them have been joke flirting all year), Anna (who was there and I think less than thrilled with the suggestion), and Bulstrode who wasn't in the room, has a boyfriend we all know, (then again so does Ruby) May joked that she was two young maybe, then said not for you though, (Theres a story behind that that I'll get to sometime), then I jokingly agreed, which Jamie then pointed out my 'stalking' Poppy for a week (I'm nervous around girls and have problems talking to them, I did better with her than most, also shes not in the group) To which I think was a bit unfair, I was only joking and I don't think Thomasina is the only girl a bit younger than him he's gone for. At the time this happened so you get perspective, he was turning 18 in a few weeks, I had been 17 a few months, Thomasina was 14 for two months, Poppy was 15 for one month, whos really the worst here? But I digress.

School is the last interesting thing really, only monday and tuesday though. Greatly depleted classes cause of those doing sports being needed for stuff, Chemistry otherwise fairly normal, Physics same as ever except Kelly was getting more of the problems as Sandra hasn't been there recently. Last lesson (physics) we played with a reverse vacuum thing (vocabulary failing me) before being let go half an hour early. No school till september now.

I'm gonna try and finish the Peace Walker walkthrough now.