Tuesday, 30 August 2011


She said no.

I could just end things there but the fact is if I'd asked a question I would have been stupid for bothering, I've known that forever. I've done it multiple times already, those do make me an idiot. Poppy, who I am currently still in love with, pointed out something just in relation to our friendship, but it's useful to think about in a broader sense of the world. I typically when I mett a girl I like speak to her on Facebook for a week or two then either chicken out or lose interest, I've seen it multiple times, Opal, Hazel, possibly Marie, Nicole and yes, Poppy, but I don't care anymore.

I'd like to say that but it hurts, liking someone knowing you don't stand a chance in hell with them. I would probably be happier just never to like another girl aain, but I know that won't happen. In a few cases with girls I've liked (well 2) coming out has helped me realise they weren't as nice as I thought they were, and I'm greatful for those, appearance is important, but if there not nice people it's worthless, but a lot of them are nice enough people and thats where the problems come in for me. Ok Nicole has a boyfriend, possibly, I'm slightly unconvinced he exists but he has a facebook page. Then again I knew her for 3 hours so not musch of a loss, conversely she is one of the few people I've been comfortable with almost instantly, seriously I spent more time dancing on the stage with her than with Zeus and Pauline, who I'd known for months. There was that Jack guy too, he was cool. Hazel I never actually really started speaking to after I left the place we met, and I kind of doubt she remembers me, though I've just sent her a skype message ensuring she is the girl I know. Marie I spent weeks chatting to when I realised I might like her, but the moment I learnt about MacFarlane I gave up any real hope, I offered to spend some time with her in town and she agreed but she got ill. I talk to her from time to time but I don't like her that way anymore. I do need to be better friends with her though. And so I come to my one aspiration with Poppy, the same.

Ok thats a lie,I mean achievable aspiration.

Sunday, 28 August 2011


Well I'm back from Knock, had a great time again and seriously looking forward to next year. Fortunately neither Jim nor Amelia (I think those are the names I gave them) came so no awkwardness between them, though Anne and Kris were both there, but I don't think they spoke much. Kris is now however going out with Rosie, the daughter of one of the leaders (the one I know best) I hope it lasts longer than Kris and Anne.
 And of course, as you would all be wondering if anyone read this, Poppy was there as well and I'm not sure if anything was awkward between us or I was overblowing it in my head, she did say hi first night but I spent a bit of time avoiding her. I did have a tonne of oppurtunities I reckon, but I kept on being worried. I actually kept on resolving to talk to her but lost my nerve, and I hate myself for it. On wednesday I overheard something which I no doubt misheard which led me to almost talk to her, but I probably misheard. One thing which held me back was how close she seemed to Adam, a guy from her own town who I noticed she seemed close to when I first met him at the reunion last year, however now I think he just gets along well with the girls, I'm just paranoid probably. I eventually screwed up the nerve to write a note and leave it with her stuff, not asking her out as I'm certain I'll be rejected, just saying at the time of writing I have feelings for you. I'm pending any confirmation it was her who took the note, but I need to stop with messages as it just increases the fear. The last time I asked Poppy out it was by message and that was ok because I wasn't gonna see her anyway for a while, but Opal I was literally gonna see her the next day (frankly I'm glad she rejected me though). I'll tell you when she confirms or denies finding it, though I hope it was her.

Friday, 19 August 2011


I'm going back tomorrow after a year, hoping to see a good few people I remember from last year, see you on the flip side

Saturday, 13 August 2011

Sleeping difficulties

So every now and then I will find myself unable to sleep when I want to. Some might think this to be good as it gives me some time with my thoughts, but my turn quickly to the stupid things, and quickly come to wanting to hit my self over the head with a heavy implement just knock myself unconscious. The worst case was probably jet lag at the age of 10 having come home from the states, I was up way longer than normal through no fault of my own, it was bad.

Objectification and the mystery of Steve

So something I see mentioned or discussed from time to time is the 'objectifying of women' which is generally based on some philosophy that all men are one track minded, afraid of commitment, and basically just want a women for sex and not a lot else, and see women as simply somethign to satisfy sexual needs. I'm not one of those people, and I think the sterotyping of men as such is wrong. Sure I don't believe in objectifying women either, but appreciation of a certain figure and what their face looks like is not simple objectification, this is something I do, but I won't just look at whats on the outside, I have to know what the person is on the inside, their interests and personality and stuff, I think thats why 80% of the time first impression crushes are a bad idea, and unfortunately 80% of my crushes are just that, case in point for this are Lucille and Topaz, neither of whom were I feel are ultimately particularly nice people. The other first impression crushes have been better actually but for one reason or another (know for a week, know for a day, know know for 4 hours) acting on them has typically not been a good idea, both for the amount of time i've known them, and my nervousness in general. Hazel probably doesn't remember me, Poppy was asked to the dance by me, thats it until I told her the truth months later. Then I relapsed for a week. That wasn't good, so if shes there this year I'm not gonna talk to her too much, might spend more time with Hannah and Lydia, or Paul and Ed. So I come to the remainder of my crushes. People I've known for a while. I myself don't think it's a good idea to try going out with my closer friends for reasons that I don't think need explaining, even though I actually know who they are, cause frankly I love them and don't want to ruin any friendship, and of the remainder that leaves Marie has Rogen in the states, Bulstrode has Clark (and I talked about why Clark deserves her) and Hawk (I seriously need new name ideas) is never I think gonna see me as more than a guy she happens to go to the same group as, plus Jamie suggested that was an idea once and listening to Jamie is madness. I was gonna say something in here attempting to justify the various bikini etc photos I have on my portable hard drive of various Japanese idols, but I sort of rambled, but heres some justification anyway. I did say I appreciate a body and a face, and I stick by that, and these idols look amazing. But I know every single one of their names (except the AKB48 members, and I'm working on that) and with their names I know at least one tv series they appeared in (I  love the tokusatsu genre) and appreciate their abilities as actresses as well as models, and if their making a career out of it it's their choice, It's up to us to decide if we wanna look. (I'm also strictly no nudity, one magazine turned ot to have some but I deleted those pictures.) And frankly most of them are not gonna look that good for much longer anyway, it's not like all of them can have a career as long as Aki Hoshino. I'm not actually serious, they will still look damn good, the problem is that companies with the sole exception of whoever employ Aki Hoshino think to be a beautiful attractive model appreciated by the people you market your books toward you have to be between the ages of 15 and 29, which is stupid really.

Anyway the mystery of steve part, which is unconnected to the rest of it. So I know who every single person in my friend list is alright, or at least where I know tham from, except 2 or 3. One I think is just a kid from my old school who I never noticed. Another I think was at Zeus' party, but I dunno. The third is more of a mystery. At first I thought he was someone from Roxannes birthday, but now I just have no freaking clue, I think he might actually have been at school all last year and I never noticed him then. He's Steve.

Friday, 12 August 2011

Thoughts and jizz.

Well I'm pretty bored tonight, well in the last 5 minutes anyway since I stopped watching the first series of how i met your mother, and thinking of what I could do. My obvious choice at this time would be to go into to town, have a few drinks and maybe actually have some fun, but if I did that I know I wouldn't get to say goodbye to grandma since I won't be up when she leaves tomorrow. Theres also the fact that Cubes only opens at 11 I think, and I can barely afford to go there, and typically at the very least of my friends Pauline is considered essential to a good night, and frankly I'd rather be with them doing stuff anyway. But yeah stuff happens.

I spend my days feeling sad a lot of the time, and I'm sure anyone who ever reads this will probably wonder if I'm gonna wind up killing myself. My answer to this is not intentionally, and while very stupidly at say 15 the thought has crossed my mind I've abandoned all that, i've had far worse days, far worse half years in fact, today I have friends and I can actually be happy a lot of the time, it's only on my own I feel the sadness ever, and thats not constant, and is mostly based on the fact that I don't feel I'll ever get a date, which I admit worries me, but I can live with it, thanks to the glory of low self-esteem oddly enough, and lpw expectations, It actually helps me get through the day. Theres also with regard to the suicide the fact that people who commit suicide never have to worry abut everyone they leave behind and how they will be effected, and I admit that has also helped stop me.

Heres an example of the whole low expectations thing. A few months back I very briefly had a thing for Marie, however I never expected any attempt to try to ask her out to work, and after I learnt about her pretty much boyfriend online from across the pond who shall remain nameless, I gave up anyway. Of course there have been plenty of similar situations for me, with me having similar expectations (since about 15), but I use her because from what I know of her she would be a better match than for me than most girls I've liked with the exception of a girl I think I called Nicole, but hey.

I think I will go to cubes, tomorrow though.