Friday 12 August 2011

Thoughts and jizz.

Well I'm pretty bored tonight, well in the last 5 minutes anyway since I stopped watching the first series of how i met your mother, and thinking of what I could do. My obvious choice at this time would be to go into to town, have a few drinks and maybe actually have some fun, but if I did that I know I wouldn't get to say goodbye to grandma since I won't be up when she leaves tomorrow. Theres also the fact that Cubes only opens at 11 I think, and I can barely afford to go there, and typically at the very least of my friends Pauline is considered essential to a good night, and frankly I'd rather be with them doing stuff anyway. But yeah stuff happens.

I spend my days feeling sad a lot of the time, and I'm sure anyone who ever reads this will probably wonder if I'm gonna wind up killing myself. My answer to this is not intentionally, and while very stupidly at say 15 the thought has crossed my mind I've abandoned all that, i've had far worse days, far worse half years in fact, today I have friends and I can actually be happy a lot of the time, it's only on my own I feel the sadness ever, and thats not constant, and is mostly based on the fact that I don't feel I'll ever get a date, which I admit worries me, but I can live with it, thanks to the glory of low self-esteem oddly enough, and lpw expectations, It actually helps me get through the day. Theres also with regard to the suicide the fact that people who commit suicide never have to worry abut everyone they leave behind and how they will be effected, and I admit that has also helped stop me.

Heres an example of the whole low expectations thing. A few months back I very briefly had a thing for Marie, however I never expected any attempt to try to ask her out to work, and after I learnt about her pretty much boyfriend online from across the pond who shall remain nameless, I gave up anyway. Of course there have been plenty of similar situations for me, with me having similar expectations (since about 15), but I use her because from what I know of her she would be a better match than for me than most girls I've liked with the exception of a girl I think I called Nicole, but hey.

I think I will go to cubes, tomorrow though.

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